You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
