we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
