And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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