kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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