Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...