Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
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he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.