i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.