i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i came on her dog
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
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Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️