today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
