I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
