if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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