is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
