my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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