tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
