First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
