rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
