i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
