Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
