Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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