I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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