gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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