I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
