Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hippo gnu deer
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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