Pappa wants mamma naked
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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