you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
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It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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