A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
