do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
