I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
