I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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