she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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