Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
