It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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