I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
wow bdsm is so cute
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