News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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