remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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