omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
