Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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