I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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