do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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