why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My cat gives me a boner
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.