he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus