Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
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its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
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Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?