last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
