We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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