your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
