Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
