I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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