went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
