when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
