so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
