Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
