Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
