Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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