If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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