Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
