He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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