we have pet lesbian snakes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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