my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
