My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
