Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
