i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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