I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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