My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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