his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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