Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
