i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
