Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
