I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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