I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
