you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
