i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
