The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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