I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
