I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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